Not too long ago I was in a restaurant celebrating my birthday. I'd already had a great meal, and don't usually order dessert, but the raw coconut cream pie looked delicious, so I ordered it.
Once it came, smelling the subtle aroma I could feel the desire to consume it arise within me. I paused to savor the pregnant moment, relishing the longing. Then I slowly placed a fork to it and sliced through the creamy filling and into the golden crunchiness of the crust. Placing the first bite in my mouth, I savored the taste and texture, swirling it through my mouth in unhurried bliss. It took many minutes for me to eat that piece of pie, sharing it with my partner, drawing out the experience of gastronomic bliss as long as possible and letting the pleasure soak into my cells and into my bones. Sharing it with someone else made it that much better.
When eating that piece of pie, I was not trying to get to some final goal. I was in the present moment savoring the sensory delight. Probably most of you have done something similar. It seems easy to do with food, but much harder, and more rare, to take this approach to the pleasures of the body. For a good part of my life, I rushed forward toward orgasm and it's ego immolating transformation. No one can deny the hormonal burst of orgasm is a peak experience, but how much had I lost by having my attention on the "goal" instead of relishing the pleasure of the moment. The release of orgasm lasts only a few seconds while the pleasure of lovemaking can last for many minutes, or even hours. And no one was asking me to make a choice - I could have the pleasure of the moment AND the hormonal rush of orgasm.
Men are not alone in their rush toward orgasm. I've known many women who seem to be scratching and clawing their way toward orgasm, as though there was some great barrier that needed to be overcome. We don't seem to know that pleasure is our birthright, built into our very cells if we but let it in. Or perhaps we are afraid of the emotional intimacy, both with ourselves and with our partner, if we stop rushing forward and immerse ourselves in the moment. We are never so naked as during sex. The compulsive goal oriented sexuality, if that's all we are capable of, seems more like an addiction than a conscious way of being.
I am not in any way advocating that there is some "spiritually correct" way to have sex that we should always adhere to; sex is all about deep engagement with desire. However for the deepest engagement with desire, we must be strong enough in our consciousness to not be taken over by that desire. The stronger our consciousness gets, the greater desire we will be capable of "riding" before being overcome; the rodeo ride of pleasure. Standing in intense desire without rushing forward or shrinking back is a beautiful thing and promotes luminous multi-leveled intimacy.
This brings me to the yogic concept of Bhramacharya. The interpretations are many and I don't seek a debate on the subject. I do however offer my personal understanding of this concept. Specifically, as one of the five Yamas or abstentions, it is often translated as sexual restraint or even celibacy, but this interpretation never sat well with me.
I believe that the core of Brahmacharya is the practice of releasing our obsession with end results. Instead we are asked to "roam about" (Charya) with the equanimity of the our divine self (also translated as the benevolent god Brahma); we don't seek to be anyplace other than here in the present. When we are in the present, we have full access to all levels of our being.
It is an interesting contemplation to consider if a lack of sexual restraint (i.e. having an affair), would be possible while practicing Brahmacharya as I define it. If we are in a rush toward orgasm (for example), it is easy to ignore the other voices within us which might recognize that sex with this person is a poor choice with nasty consequences. If we were to become more conscious and aware of all levels of our being, the misalignment would be more apparent.
Looked at this way, Brahmacharya is not just some commandment that we must obey, but is instead a how-to guide for maintaining full integrity and full engagement with our embodied experience. Brahmacharya is not practiced to limit our pleasure but rather as a way to maximize our pleasure.
(Originally written in 2014)